Calling Red Alert 3 a guys’ game
is putting it mildly. Part candy-coloured
comic-book bauble, part
classical RTS, Electronic Arts’ Red
Alert 3 (not to be confused with
the 2006 fan-fic C&C Generals: Zero Hour total
conversion of the same name) is old-school all the
way, and that’s meant with affection. From the
cool retro gizmos to its brightly saturated pastels,
everything about the game evokes an imaginative
12-year-old’s intense mental pre-viz of Silver Age
comic panels; Red Alert 3’s palette is so shiny and
high-contrast, it makes Warcraft III look sepia. While
the designers wisely cribbed a few innovations like
veterancy and faction-specific god-power specs
(here christened ‘protocols’) from recent RTS titles
like Company Of Heroes and EA’s own (underrated)
Battle For Middle-Earth II, Red Alert 3 wears the
franchise’s trademark shoot-the-works goofiness
proudly on its sleeve (never have dolphins, trained
circus Soviet warbears, jetpacking psionic ninjettes
and Gemma Atkinson been so gracefully woven into
a single strand).
Though there’s not much in the way of
sophisticated character development, the storyline’s
silliness is endearingly true to the series. The
high-concept premise is highlighted in a funny
opening cut-scene: even as victorious Allied forces
roll into the Kremlin, two remaining Soviet loyalists,
Colonel Cherdenko and General Krukov, reveal
an unused secret weapon, a time machine, which
they promptly use to drag a reluctant scientist
back to 1927, where Albert Einstein is delivering a
lecture. Einstein tries the old handshake trick from
the original Red Alert, but Cherdenko shoots the
surprisingly guileless physicist dead, and as such,
prevents nukes from ever being invented (and
probably time machines too, but never mind). Upon
returning to the Fifties, Cherdenko is further pleased
to learn he now outranks Krukov (what happened to
his other self in the new timestream is sidestepped)
but, on the downside, they now face an updated,
more powerful Allied faction on their Western
shores, and an even sleeker nanotech-whore
Japanese empire to the east. (We briefly wondered
why they don’t use the machine again to go back to
1927 and correct their mistake, or for that matter
why the time machine is never referenced again;
maybe they’re afraid of creating a fourth hempbased
Dutch faction until the expansion.)
Each of the three campaigns (Allies, Soviets,
and Japanese) consists of nine missions that offer
a surprisingly fertile range of exotic locales (Easter
Island, Amsterdam, Tokyo, and Mount Rushmore,
to name but a few) and varied objectives to fulfil
throughout. As in the former entries, the campaigns
seem to take place in alternate time-streams. Red
Alert 3’s most advertised component is being able
to play through the campaigns in co-operative
mode with a friend online or by network. In fact, all
of the missions are designed around having you
fight alongside an ally – even when playing solo,
you’re given an AI computer general that you can
issue either general strategies or specific attack
commands, or simply leave on autopilot (medium
and hard AIs tend to turtle and go increasingly
vehicular). The co-op focus is interesting, but I
wonder how much repeat value the campaigns have
for friends, let alone two strangers. It’s not that far
removed from hosting a skirmish against comps,
although the campaigns offer the only chance you’ll
have of seeing Mount Rushmore. The total number
of multiplayer maps is 28 (none of which are 4v4),
in addition to the 27 single-player ones that you’ll
likely play through only once or twice. (we’re sort of
a grump about this stuff; as an RTS savant, we’ve
always felt that playing against computers both tends
to feel less satisfying and teach extremely bad habits.)
The graphics are colourful and striking, if perhaps
a bit bloodless (it’s clear that EA was aiming for
a T rating: you get subliminal swashes of red,
interrogation-by-knife scenes with no visible wounds,
and repeated assurances from bickering tutorial
tanks that you’re only shooting at target dummies).
The maps are, for the most part, compact and
symmetrical. While there’s not a tactile sense of
place, much of the artwork suggests a festive
theme-park flair as an ironic backdrop to the often
cacophonous carnage, from garrison-able merry-gorounds
and beach-bungalows to wintry storybook
hamlets bedecked with Christmas tree lights.
While the game employs traditional rock-paperscissor
mechanics (save for veterancy, units don’t
require ‘upgrades’ per se), there’s new emphasis
on versatility: every unit features a special ability of
some kind and many units fill more than one role.
Turrets and buggies fire at air or ground depending
on whether they have a human operator (a bit
annoyingly, tool-tips inform you in a general way that
turrets and vehicles change weapons and target class
if garrisoned/driven but doesn’t offer the specifics
onscreen). Unlike COH, once you’ve maxed out a
‘protocol’ spec, you can start another of the three
chains from tier one, although if you’re doing that well,
you’ve likely already won.
The three factions all play slightly differently from
one another, although the Japanese are the most
quintessentially exotic: their buildings are mobile and
can be constructed anywhere, ‘unfurling’ from small
trapezoidal pods that are quite frail in transit. Their
arsenal includes everything from languid balloon
bombs that you can guide in mid-descent to psionic
nukes, Imperial warriors with glowing laser-swords,
Shogo-like giant robots, tanks that, erm, ‘transform’
into jets, and angrily buzzing hornet swarms of
kamikaze fighters. The more utilitarian Soviets are
the only faction to lack infiltrators, but compensate
with ‘crusher cranes’ that can recycle superfluous
vehicles for resources, tank treads that enable you
to heal armour by crushing foes (even organic ones,
interestingly), and satellite rays that suck enemy
vehicles up into space or freeze entire armies in their
tracks. A bit curiously, although the Soviets were
the time-travel pioneers, the Allies seem to have all
the temporal doohickeys, from commando Tanya’s
time belt (it sends her five seconds into the past,
and doesn’t work if she’s dead) to detonators that
materialise from the ether, a ‘chrono-swap’ that lets
two of your units switch places anywhere on the
battlefield, and a ‘chronosphere’ that teleports units
anywhere on the map (it’s lethal to infantry so cram
them into a Riptide troop carrier if you don’t want them
going messily Philadelphia Experiment). They also
get a cryocopter that fires a S.H.R.I.N.K. beam (hmm,
wonder what that acronym stands for?), making
enemies all the more crushable. Tonally, there’s a lot
here that evokes Duke Nukem, even a gorilla-themed
fast-food franchise called ‘Burger Kong.’
As in Dawn Of War, neutral structures can be
captured by engineers to confer various abilities like
extra resources or extended line of sight, and there
are grave punishments for neglecting combined
arms, but it’s the emphasis on coastal and naval
combat that gives Red Alert 3 its unique feel. We’ve
had aqua in real-time strategy before, but never as
a marquee element – this is the first RTS to make
amphibious combat visceral and accessible rather
than laborious. Red Alert 3 not only incorporates
water into most of its maps but makes it manageable.
All three factions feature interesting ways of getting
infantry across pesky channels of moisture (our
favourite was the Soviet Bullfrog’s ‘man-cannon’
that shoots soldiers over the waves like tennis balls)
and many vehicles are amphibious, including MCVs.
The effects aren’t entirely realistic: all submerged
units remain at equal depth
and torpedoes swoosh under
apparently solid-looking land
masses that even the subs firing
them can’t cross, but this is
probably the first RTS where you
won’t feel the usual groan of dread
“Oh god, not a water map…” at
the sight of an archipelago on the
creation screen. By contrast, land
altitude is crucial. A construction
yard’s build radius, for instance,
doesn’t extend to nearby areas at
a higher or lower elevation. Much as
we appreciated all this, Red Alert 3’s greatest
innovation, hands down, is that for the first time
you’re actually shown the specific production time for
building each unit.

There are some curious omissions. Despite a wide
variety of unit behaviour settings including a ‘retreatwhile-
firing’ option, there aren’t any formations, just
the usual sloppy single-file columns and inchoate
jumbles. Units don’t appear to attack garrisoned
enemy structures even on Aggressive mode. Pathing
is acceptable for the genre, which is to say that only
sometimes do units take the long, suicidal route.
You can zoom in and out but not much. Unlike COH,
you can’t set rally points for newly built units from
the build menu tabs, only by manually selecting the
individual structures, there’s the aforementioned
vagueness in the tooltip descriptions, and for all the
game’s co-op-centricity, you can’t
choose different AI generals.
The real dealbreaker for many
is SecuROM, an anti-piracy DRM
software that stays on your
system even if you uninstall the
game, transmits heaven knows
what personal info to EA’s online
master servers, and lets you only
install the game five times. If you
want to reinstall Windows or your
hard drive crashes, tough. Never
mind that SecuROM punishes
only innocent consumers, since
true pirates will still find a workaround and
now be more motivated to do so. For the love of god,
EA, just let us play. Players have made it clear that
they feel more strongly about SecuROM than you
do about piracy even accounting for your stinginess
and paranoia. And stinginess goes against Red Alert
3’s grain.
Big Brother notwithstanding, Red Alert 3 is a solid
purchase. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel but it’s not
trying to. In its own way, it’s something better than
the wheel: a slick, colourful, deep, addictive real-time
strategy smorgasbord that gracefully weds nuts-andbolts
tactical mechanics to exuberantly daffy pulp
imagery and a laidback pyromaniac charm. It’s easily
the second most fun you could ever have with a man-cannon
and Gemma Atkinson while awake.
Kelly Wand